Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
