I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
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Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
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Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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