dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
