My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
