If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My pussy is not your playground.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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