You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
