This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
