So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
