I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
