And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Randomize
