Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize