I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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