So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
