Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
