I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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