Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
