And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
