She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
