I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
