If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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