Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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