i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
