I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
BRING THE BAGELS
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
