Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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