I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
