Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
