I wanna bring you to show and tell
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
