u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
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when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
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My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize