dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
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Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's always time for handjobs
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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