Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
