can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
