Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
