so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
