I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
