i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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