I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
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He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
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I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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