6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
you never un-have a 4some
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
