Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
