Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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