I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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