well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
