White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
