When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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