I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
ugly people sure do ruin things
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
