Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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