6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
