walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
