Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
