I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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