even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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