I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
