nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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