I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
